Tuesday, March 29, 2011

You borrow my brain for 5 seconds and just be like, "Dude! Can't handle it!"

I talk to myself pretty much all the time, even when I miraculously manage to avoid doing it out loud for a while. Occasionally I’m writing or making a grocery list, but often I’m just replaying a loop of the last thing to enter my mind until a new thought happens.

This habit is distracting and psychologically worrisome, but it doesn’t become a problem until I forget I’m in a public place and open my mouth. I’m apt to hold lengthy discussions with myself at the grocery store—it’s a consequence of the fact that, since finishing college, I can no longer do simple arithmetic without speaking out loud.

This process eventually devolves into shouting at various groceries for their myriad infractions.

They never submit to my authority, either. In general, I’ve noticed that the inanimate objects I address have a disheartening tendency not to follow my instruction.

It’s like they aren’t even trying. Somewhere in the midst of the melee, I’ll look up and realize that other people are around as well. Then I get all self conscious.

When they eventually take me away to a little white room with bars on the windows, at least I won’t be lonely.


  1. If you send me all of your banana oatmeal, I will send you all of my blueberry. However, I'm speaking of the superior "& Cream" varieties. If you're buying original, the deal's off.

  2. Talking to yourself is only of concern when you begin answering. Especially if you use different voices.

  3. Eric, I only buy "& Cream," unless there's a really good sale that justifies the Maple & Brown Sugar kind. I'm just mad that you can buy entire boxes of strawberry, peach, or banana, but not the sought-after blueberry.

    TG, I definitely answer, but so far both sides of the conversation are in Self-Consciously Irritable voice.

  4. You should do a survey of how many people did the math on the Yummi and Tastee to see which was a better deal...

  5. Lauren--I kind of hoped people might do that. To spoil the surprise: I made them really close on purpose. Tastee is less than 2/10 of a cent cheaper, but it's in really small jars and doesn't look as delicious, so I'd go with Yummi myself. Or the marshmallow fluff.